A personal note from Maureen about her baby steps in becoming human again…

Don’t be an arsehole means that first of all I have to take better care of myself. After spending most of my life obsessively and co-dependently taking care of others, self care is a radical departure from my core beliefs. I have to cut through years of bullshit and lies that I believe to be true about me and about you. I have no frame of reference and I feel awkward and inarticulate as I try to navigate my way to being human, to accepting that I have needs and wants and that I have to matter to myself. That I matter at all.

Like the proverbial bull in the china shop I am now dorking my way through these changes. Imperfectly, messily, loudly, childishly running with scissors and breaking all the crayons and coloring outside the lines, on the walls spilling on my clothes and spinning madly with the intoxication of being free to be the me that has been afraid and lost and drying up inside the slow suffocation of not being human.

Radical self care means taking care of all of my health issues I have avoided far too long. As a child I was traumatized by a sadistic pedophile masquerading as a dentist for several years before he was arrested and convicted. Needles to say dental care when I had insurance was not something I voluntarily attended to. It would be more like crisis intervention followed by years of neglect until the next crisis and then when I no longer had insurance or the excessive funds required I just avoided the whole issue even after it began to seriously affect my health and have serious consequences that often would take me to urgent care and at the emergency rooms that would dispense antibiotics and pain pills for the symptoms but could do nothing for the cause.

Fast forward to now. We will skip past the crippling depression and agoraphobia, migraines and incontinence to having most of my teeth fall out, leaving open stumps that have become inflamed and infected and cause me daily pain and mortifying shame. I am on a fixed income without proper dental insurance. After reading ‘On Becoming Human’ by Jennifer Pastilof and working on the principals I made and kept an appointment with a dentist. He was referred by a program that is helping people like me get the dental care they need. After three days of x-rays and exams the results were gently revealed to me.

The infection in my teeth roots has invaded my jaws and all of my teeth need to be removed ASAP. To preserve my facial integrity I will need to have reconstructive surgery and cadaver implants. After several months of healing I will then be able to get dentures and be able to smile for the first time in years without feeling like a white trash loser.

I am getting an amazingly reduced rate but to start the process I need to make a huge down payment. I was turned down for three plans of loans. I will be able to make payments on the balance but I need to come up with $10,000.00 to start. I am asking with abject humility and a great amount of anxiety for help from all quarters in my life. It is not something I do even for little things, and I am crying and shaking as I write this.